Random · Rant · Weirdness

Of “Faraghat” and associated restlessness


In December of last year, I decided that I didn’t want to follow the conventional path of doing a year’s house job (or internship) after graduating. Instead, I decided to take the year off. I was going to use the time to pass two sets of foreign licensing exams (the PLAB for England, the USMLE for the US). Also, I was getting married in April. These two aims seemed quite enough to occupy me for the better part of 2014.

On the 12th of March, one day before my PLAB exam, my engagement of 3 months and relationship of over a year ended.  Struggling to get through the examination the next day was hard enough, but at least that was expected. What wasn’t expected was the yawning emptiness that would face me after the exam. Nine months of 2014 stretched before me, empty and to all intents, purposeless. I had planned on giving the USMLE because my fiancé wanted to move to the US – with the fiancé out of the picture, the USMLE was no longer necessary.  I had given the PLAB and the second part was going to be late in the year. There were also no wedding or post-wedding activities to occupy me for the next few months, as originally planned.

I was suddenly free, and free in a way that I probably wouldn’t be until I retired, because once the rat race of career running started, there would be little time to rest.

For all that one complains of being too busy, complete and utter purposelessness is actually kind of awful. I have spent all my life running after one thing or the other, and I have a work ethic that makes me feel terrible if I’m not doing something ‘useful’ as society defines it (a formal job or studies). So I find myself hating this state, and hating myself for being in it. I’ve spent barely ten days doing nothing and I can’t stand it any longer. The english word “unoccupied” doesn’t even begin to cover it. The only word that does is “faraghat”, the urdu word that covers the state of being useless, free, unoccupied, untied, and so on and so forth.

I have this image in my head:

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And I suppose that’s exactly what I should be doing. I am a woman with a brain and reasonable ability, and I don’t think that an ended relationship (however horrible and sudden that was) should be cause for me to sort of abandon all plans and mope. But I guess the point of this is: what do I do? I don’t want to start a job while my future plans (of staying vs moving abroad) are so open. I can and have done freelance writing, and this blog is super neglected, so that’s a place to start. I have a reading list that is as long as a boa constrictor, and a movie/TV show list that is at least as long. I have friends to catch up with (that I’ve neglected for the years I spent studying medicine) and family flying in next month (originally for the wedding, now just to spend time with me).

There’s these things, and more that I’m doing. And yet I still feel restless and unoccupied, useless and untied. Faraghat doesn’t suit me, apparently, however lazy I might be. So this blog is kind of an invitation for suggestions. Is there anything else I can or should be doing? Have you been in a similar situation, and how did you get over those feelings?

Please let me know. And I’ll see you soon 🙂

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10 thoughts on “Of “Faraghat” and associated restlessness

  1. I’ve been reading and following your blog for quite a long time and I think I found you on Ghausia’s blog (who is an awesome fun person btw if you know her). I love your expression, your style and think of you as one hell of an awesome person. Trust me. You have the best activities lined up, that is, reading your long list of books (I love those yearly book reviews you do!) and watching shows. But, I would definitely suggest that at this time, you might want to prioritize going out more and meeting new people, chilling and wasting time, attending events, plays, concerts (anything you like), watching movies with friends, dining fancy, partying and just really staying among people you love or even don’t love but could make good use of their company. Be selfish and self-involved (I’m serious). But at the same time, do something like volunteer work at a charity, any fund raising activity for a cause you feel personally close to – basically anything that gives you a larger than life perspective (ohmygod, imsuchadork!). Then, plan a trip or something for a weekend with friends. Some place new preferably. These are really only suggestions but at the end of the day, just remember that you don’t have to do what people tell you but what you really want to do.

    Lots of Love and Hugs!

    Amna

    P.S. Moms are the best medicines.

    1. thank you so much for the praise (I’m lucky that so much of the lowering of self worth that comes after a breakup has been offset by kind words from even kinder friends) and thank you even more for that wonderful list of suggestions. I do intend to get out of the house (planning a get together with friends and just met an old schoolmate yesterday). Even though I find it tough as an introvert to meet people, it’s kind of necessary right now to stay sane. I’ll definitely seriously consider the other suggestions too. Especially spending more time with Mom ❤ she really is my best medicine right now. Love and hugs to you too!

  2. If life is going on tightly as planned, and you suddenly loose something that we think makes it’s keystone, you cannot stop malignant perpetuation of meaninglessness at least for some time. Things get back on track eventually. Because the sense of meaninglessness, and the consciousness of the absurd, are only emotions, and all emotions eventually vanish…. no matter how much you hate or love them.

  3. Aimless, purposeless, and depressingly nihilistic ?

    I have a commitment to change, to change forever, to adapt to the rising and the setting sun and while I have kept to my mantra of change, I fail more than I would like to. Absorb yourself in something. Write, learn and live. As the clichéd phrase goes, “easier said than done.”

    1. Yes, it is easier said than done, but it’s worth trying. I’m thinking of picking up writing poetry again. But I feel like one has to have something inside to create – and I’m just empty. Forcibly keeping myself empty, so to speak.

  4. Hello! I can’t really suggest any spectacular remedies since you have a few suggestions above, but don’t lose faith in God and in yourself, is all I can say.
    Wanted to wish you all the best. I hope you’re able to rise above this phase soon. 🙂

  5. That, I guess, is going to hurt for quite some time, till you find another potential partner but in this world nobody can be a replacement for another one particularly in individual matters/affairs. I too had similar sort of experience where I usually being an indepedent and care-free type suddenly gets attached STRONGLY with some special one. Later a sense of hollowness follows after the things are over. I assume the same for you because I think while you were engaged your plans started orientating with the person you were attached to and you were absent from blogging too – a hint of strong attachment.
    I don’t understand why it happens but the only thing I learnt from it the hard way is that being attached to someone in not the forte all beings. May be it suits some fellows but not all people, like you probably.

    1. I agree, no one can be a perfect replacement. And yes, I do feel quite hollow at this point in time. Hopefully things will get better.

      As for whether attachment is my forte or not – I don’t know, honestly. One failed relationship doesnt seem enough to judge. I’ll have to see what the future holds (right now it holds only reading, I am going to enjoy the time alone)

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