Um. Just some rambling. *blushes slightly*
My last chance. My reason to risk it all, my reaffirmation that I’m not as good as I seem. In my world, you’re the only open painting on a wall where the others have drapes, are hidden under a veil. You’re the oil colours I treasure, that I stand before, smiling, knowing what I know. The taste of a fountain I will not sip again, a bite of the forbidden apple that I’m stealing from life’s orchard.
So it makes sense then, the feeling that I’m hurtling towards a cliff edge when I’m with you, with self-destruction smiling at me beyond the edge, tempting, like an old lover you just can’t get rid of. Hurtling uncontrollably , unbearably, and I would not have it differently. Sometimes it feels that way, sometimes it feels as though I’m dancing in the rain, a crazy wild girl who doesn’t care, who loves this as much as she loves life, with as much abandon, as much depth. As little inhibition.
Paradoxical then, this behaviour, because plodders live the longest. And we know we’d be better apart 🙂
The music pounding in my ears links us on a deeper level than all the other things. So that it was as much the melodies I missed as you making me listen to them, as our listening together.
The voice in my ears, the smile on my face. The restlessness that plagues me reminds me of you, so that every toss and turn seems to be calling out. The longing torturing me, that lingers unless I’m with you; spoilt-child, screaming tantrums til I have your attention. All of it.
Insatiable ‘til then. Neurotic otherwise. A mess, but still happy when I get what I want. And that is, these days, you.
Trust broken lies like fragments of glass on the ground. But even the pieces sparkle like diamonds, glinting in the moonlight coming from the windows that aren’t there anymore. Pensively I sit and watch them glimmer at times. And I wonder, and that wonder turns to doubt that simmers inside me until I’m next with you. Only then it gains power, turns to guilt, and I wrench myself away from you.
But mostly I turn away from the pieces. I have to live my own life.
You enhance the dichotomy, you know, the division, my two irreconcilable halves that love to live separate lives and taunt each other. But you do something no one else did, with all their love, though they tried. Magician of mine, under your spell I’m welded into one, both halves of me together, as one and undivided. And both halves laughing, loving, alive. The divisions vanish as though they never existed.
And I drag you, laughing , til we’re not me and you rather but us. Push your limits, push you out of them til you fall back into mine, and mine were gone long ago. Close the spaces between us. Because I don’t like spaces.
Except, I suppose, the one you’re going to leave when all of this is over.