Losing myself in the quiet silence of my loneliness. I love this quiet – I am comfortable with this silence, with this quiet awareness of myself. And the time is invaluable for self-recovery. An upheaval is taking place in my mindset, but it is moving slowly – each object lifted and moved with quiet precision and delicacy – with thought and understanding – to its new place. A rearrangement to a long-familiar arrangement.
I don’t want to write much about what I’ve seen and noted. For the most part I am absorbing – rediscovering myself in a way that needed doing for the past two years maybe. My writings have been invaluable in this regard – there is nothing like a good snapshot when you’re trying to recover a room’s setting. My mind’s moulds were preserved in the snapshots my writing took – and I wander among these, seeking threads and recurring elements – seeking golden lines that I need to pick out, clear of the others, retrace and braid together for the future. The cleaner golden braid.
That task is not for the moment though. As of now I am content merely to sip of the various portents I have missed over the years – meet the older versions of me and know and understand myself. All the while enjoying the limitless silence; the quiet born of inner peace, I find that it is. The haywire shrieking that has plagued me for so long, that drove me to distraction by June and that still threatens to overtake me when I enter those imposing red buildings – that is mostly gone. I am serene at last – alone or in a crowd. My silence – the silence of the night – it is back. Oh, how I savour it – how I’ve missed it.
Talk to you soon. For now I walk about in joy 🙂
(blue one – 31-10-2010)