Introspection

of pies and expectations



Sometimes I wonder what kind of a child my mother imagined I would be, and contrast that with how I’ve turned out in actuality.  It is both a depressing and an amusing picture.  The obedient, caring, cheerful girl she probably wanted has been replaced by this sarcastic, debating, selfish individual.

So I’m smart in studies, and she admits this as a good trait – yet I have this strong impression that my mother would rather I were a little dumber and more tractable, than this smart and difficult to handle.  And I really am difficult to handle.  Wayward, obstinate – I back up all my arguments and rarely admit to being wrong.

My ideas, my constant desire to question, doubt, investigate – my interest in things that I have no business being interested in – dance, philosophy, art – I think of these as things that make me special.  But for my mother they are irrelevant distractions, the appearance of which in me are as incompatible with her idea of an ideal daughter as my oft-expressed desire to get a series of five ear piercings and a tattoo.

I’m irreligious too – and on this point, I think, my mother is most upset.  Instead of the pious, god-fearing, god-loving daughter she wanted, had even seen me set out to become, she’s seen me morph over time into this critical, questioning, careless individual that would sooner debate God than praise him.  She sees this agnostic, doubting irreligiousness in me clearly sometimes – instead of ignoring it – and when she does she weeps for the daughter I could’ve been.  I’ve seen her do it.

Where did she go wrong in her upbringing, she often wonders?  Where indeed? She was pious, caring, strict, loving.  Self-sacrificing, disciplinary, attentive.  Then why didn’t I turn out the way I should’ve?  I suppose children are like a recipe that never turns out the way you want it to, however much you follow it to the letter.  And the apple pie my mother wanted didn’t quite turn out the way she planned.  Not the fault of the baker, whichever way you look at it.

Maybe it’s the pie’s fault.

10-08-2010

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40 thoughts on “of pies and expectations

  1. I just wandered here randomly from the ET site, and I’m glad I did, you’re a really great writer. This post just made me feel like I was reading about myself, it was a pleasure reading something so well-written.

  2. Oh come on, am I really that harsh on ET? Have you blogged there btw? And if no, WHY NOT? You’re a really good writer, you should blog more often than the morons who picked up a pen cause their teachers lied to them and told them everyone could write!

    1. Hahahaa no, you’re not that harsh, I just know you evaluate people keenly. I haven’t sent in anything recently, because there’s a book review they still haven’t posted and I’m annoyed because they take so long to put up my stuff whereas ANOTHER witless blogpost finds space so easily.

      But maybe I shouldn’t give up so easily. Back to the writing-board!

      Have you blogged anything recently? After your ‘weddings’ success you really should’ve. 🙂

      1. I know, its so irritating, we should have a source like Nadya V lol. I can’t help it man, I can’t tolerate bad writers, they’re a disgrace to my profession! You should do something on the Zaka/Fulton controversy since that’s hot right now, everyone’s selling out and doing that one. I loved doing the wedding one, specially because so many commenters tried to be ‘meen’ to me thinking I could dish it but couldn’t take it(so, so wrong) I was glad the smart ones liked it though. I sent in one last night, it usually takes them a couple of days to get back to you. Oh do they do that thing to you where you send them something and they reply to it asking for your bio or something but it never gets published? They did that to two of mine, I just changed my bio the third time around cause I didn’t like the previous one lol. And blog more here, if not on ET! Don’t deprive people of your writing man, worst sin EVER.

  3. I can’t help it, some “writers’ are just morons who actually believed their teachers when they told them that anyone could write. Lies, all lies! I had so much fun with the wedding piece, specially cause a lot of people tried to be ‘meen’ to me thinking I could dish it but not take it(So, SO wrong). I did send in something last night, they’ll probably get back to me in a couple of days, did they do that thing to you where they kept telling you they enjoyed your piece and asking you for a bio but never posting it? I hate that!

    1. I have no idea why, but wordpress put your last two comments into spam *frowns*. I only just fished them out. I hope that hasn’t been happening before.

      ANYWAY yeah i love your new piece! I will send in something soon. As for here, its really only a teeny blog, but yes, I will keep updating it 😀 But I guess it will mostly be rants 😛 I should be ranting about ET and Nadya right now, actually.

      1. Ohh so that was it! I thought my FF was screwing up lol. Man, I’m so past the teeny blog phase, now I have to be a grownup and be all serious and shit, which really sucks considering how immature I am. 😀 I wish I was unethical enough to post a blog blasting Nadya V, but unfortunately for us, I still have some respect for the writing and journalism profession. 😀 Do you remember when she blasted OBA? I’m not a fan of the guy’s music, I loath Pakistani wannabe Amreeki music with a fiery passion, but dude can write, I had the impression that our musicians were probably illiterate morons(I blame it on Meera and Resham overdose.) I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was an educated, eloquent man.

        1. When you said, `one of us explodes`I had a mental picture of one of us as a suicide bomber. Which might be a more effective way of calling her out than anything else.

          *IN THE NAME OF JOURNALISM!* *BOOM*

          *and pieces of nadya v and righteous writer fly everywhere*

          Ok, i know I shouln`t joke about things like that. 😛

  4. BUAHAHAHAHAHA.

    And that is all I have to say.

    I can’t believe Taha Kehar supported the loser. He’s such an adorable little boy, sometimes I see myself in him in terms of my earlier writing days when I used big words in everything I wrote cause that’s the kind of thing I liked to read. Its so sad that a smart young man like him sticks up for someone like, well, her. Plus I did share my POV in my comment. What’s with her suddenly shorter bio btw?

    1. Don’t be too upset. He did call her a yellow journalist after all. And her blogs are really bad, but they’re showy, and that’s what tribune likes, apparently. They portray her weird way of thinking and are even a laugh, though you end up laughing more at how lame her political opinions are than the satire. *rolls eyes*

  5. tch.

    Floods in Farmville, thats a thought. Faslein behgaeen. GEO exclusive.

    I love how ‘revolution’ comes in everywhere. A few months later an actual matric pass minister will also be a ‘revolution’

    Its like the Steve Jobs of politics.

    btw, i am pretty sure if you will have kids, you WILL wish they weren’t smart. Or rather smart in places where you don’t really want them to be.

    and btw do you know any article by Fasi Zaka which was sorta anti-pakistani and might have cause upheavals? I cant find it.

  6. Thank you jee. The guy does have good stuff on ET

    I liked the hitler article and the facebook fiasco. I wrote something completely different and yet sorta in the same vein a while ago, when Zaid Hamid was ‘revolutionary’

    anyways, that is not important. KILL ALL THE JEWS.

    maybe that will redeem you in your mums eyes shumaila. :p

    1. Killing jews? Na. The only thing that would really redeem me in her eyes would be if I married in a year or two, settled down, had plenty of kids and stopped talking music and started talking recipes.

  7. Ooohh that sounds badder than my situation. I think the first rishta I got(or the first I was aware of but considering my looks, probably the first ever) my mom sat me down next day to explain how to behave at a “seeing” (Listen burqay waliyan thi I’m sorry I have zero self esteem and a fake big ego but no fucking way is Ghausia Rashid Salam marrying into a pardaposh family!) and she told me I wasn’t getting married till I was finished studying. My best friend suggested that I just keep flunking on purpose lol. My dad has an issue with me humming a lot, and specifically in “English k ganay” but that’s more an issue that I mainly speak English cause I’m a total toutlee in Urdu can’t say my hard Ts, Ds, and Rs. And I heart cooking. 😀 It calms me. I made the best noodles ever for myself tonight.

    The Jew thing is very distressing for me. On the one hand, the Prophet PBUH ate with them but then he says break bread with them but don’t trust them, and I’ve known many atheist Jews who I trust with a lot of personal details. That’s one of the reasons I distanced myself from religion, to keep my faith in a religion that promoted peace, love, and equality for all.

    1. try buddhism. best slacker i know.

      Jews are dogs and must be killed. If you dont have good food and they do, however, then eat so you can satisfactorily plan to kill them later. always attempt to get the bigger piece of bread. dont share your own food unless you have poisoned it yourself.

      thats the official explanation i believe.

      but just thinking in simple terms, our religon is a mixed bag. different scenes pei different rxns. we expect too much from it. if you are gonna have a medium sized book explaining the bare necessities of life, you can expect the reader to differentiate when you are supposed to do which hidaayat. obviously if ur gonna be best pals with the jews or any other religon for the matter islam ki class kam hojaigi. you should trust them enough to not question your own religon/group. during those days doing such a thing was matter of life and death

    1. lol. Oh man I respect Buddhism but that shit so isn’t for me, I can’t sit and omm omm all the time, I can hardly sit still in a normal situation, let alone meditate and be nice people and all.

      I keep trying to explain to my dad, they all assume I don’t read up on religion and all but I do and have, I keep telling them listen the Quran actually likes Jews, the negative verses are according to the people of that time, obviously if the Jews are going to kill women and children seeking sanctuary in mosques then what kind of God wouldn’t tell His people to get revenge on them. Like you said, trust them not to poison your food but not so much that they’re friends because the book told you that the rocks themselves will step aside and reveal Jews hiding behind them. I mean, its just so painful to hear such things from people you love, my cousin professed a desire to be alive on that day so she could kill Jews, and I love my cousin, she’s been my best friend me entire life and she’s actually a good person, a good mom. It got to be too much for me. I figured fuck it, if I hate, its not right, if I don’t hate, its not right then fine I just won’t follow the religion anymore.

      Don’t get me ranting on the rishta business I loath it. 😛

      1. i think

        it’s got more to do with culture, politics and image than religion itself. religion is just a book which you are supposed to read and be aware of. it is the skewed perceptions and blind faith that cause such bigoted ideas.

        the jews for example. maybe it is because of palestines issue. as there NEEDS to be brotherly attachment to muslims, naturally the jews will be the enemy. same with, say, aafia siddique case, so on. its also a political diversion from domestic issues. recent is the full day/night coverage of that one pastor aiming for tv ratings.

        one man or a group of bastards cannot define the whole culture. and if so, then muslim ‘terrorists’ are no better off. nor are athiests due to some insulting religion and blaming them for all tabaahi. ppl fail to see this.

        what i’m saying is, yes, religion is unnecessary, but its only as big a deal as you want it to be. leaving it has no such impact if you already didn’t consider it that big a deal. infact, you are also leaving the positive traits of religion too.

        a solution? well, be patient. think about it in a less emotional state of mind. you can consider religion into something almost perfectly nice too. something forgiving, peaceful, caring, apathetic. there is an ‘into’ there cause religion itself can, like you said, be looked in various perspectives.

        given our nations state of despair, its no wonder ppl view religion as an avenging tool against fictional enemies. or making much ado about nothing. and religion is not being the precursor, its just being a tool. leave it and they may forge another. maybe independence. maybe old land quarrels. maybe old caste systems.

  8. lol well my parents never really question me 😛 lol coz i am not very advertising about my views. I usually stay quiet in most cases. My younger cousins love to talk to me though and i put these questions in front of them and they respond well with thought … and the discussions are always productive and thought provoking. I am sure i’ll be banned someday once their moms find out i am the one putting garbage in their kids head hahaha

  9. Reblogged this on Mellow Creativity and commented:

    I was going to write a sappy post in light of Mother’s day. But I decided to reblog this instead, even though its kind of depressing and doesn’t really fit. But it kind of defines our relationship. And since I initially posted this more than a year ago, not many of you will have read it.

    1. It’s perfect, actually. I haven’t read anything more fitting–but then again, maybe that’s also because of the relationship I have with my own mother. /:)

  10. If I would have been your mother ; either I would have left you on your own, I mean you can’t do much about a “spoiled” child other than spoiling her more ; or being aware of the status of a repellent, I would have started acting exactly like you. You might change some of your ways either due to the lack of opposition or due to some undesired extra approval.
    Effective or not ? 🙂

    1. Hahahaa! Either strategy would probably have been effective, but my mother loves me too much to leave me alone and is too nice to become like me 😛

      Well for the most part she’s left me to do as I like, but she still laments at times. And yes, I’m very spoilt 😛 you got that right too.

        1. thanks. I liked this piece too. I dunno why, I have a feeling my older stuff was much better. I’m trying to recapture that style, but failing up til now. Let’s see.

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